A Moment of Indulgence
by Lady Jibril
Summary: Remus' thoughts the moment Sirius died. A moment during which he lets go and lashes out all the emotion he feels, before tying himself back in again. R&R.


A Moment of Indulgence

I see the flash of green light through the corner of my eye. I turn around just in time to see Sirius disappear behind the veil, and then grab you and keep you from following him. As you thrash against me and scream, for the first time I want to throttle you and tell you what a stupid, selfish, foolish boy you are. Don't you think maybe I wanted to scream and cry and run after him as well? Don't you think that maybe having known him more than thirty years longer than you I felt a slightly sharper pang of loss and sorrow? But no, I have to stand firm and be the adult. I have to stop you from doing exactly as I want to do, because you're the chosen one; the idiot boy we're all sworn to protect. I never regretted swearing to that until now.

In a moment I'll calm down, and care about you and want to preserve you again, but right now I almost want to throw you at the wretched woman who killed my best friend and let her have you. Because you are so damn selfish. Don't you realize that it was not only you to whom he served as the only family member? Don't you think for a moment the loss of a godfather you have known for only a few years means nothing compared to the loss I'm experiencing as I lose the last of the only people to ever embrace me like I belonged? You think finding out he was your godfather was such a release from the darkness of loneliness; you think you were the only one to find something so great in him? But what about me? I am the one who had to lose him, thinking he had betrayed me and everything we had, and then to get him back for only those few short years that he spent completely devoted to helping you, the child of our best friend, long gone before us.

It's your fault that both of them are dead. They both died protecting you. For this one blinding moment of hate, I can blame you entirely for that, and spit on those that would say 'it was necessary'. Because they'll never realize the loss I'm going through. Everyone will only look at you and pity you, and the wolf will skulk into the shadows and its mournful howls at the moon will go ignored or considered evil…when it is only my absolute sorrow. You will never realize, and should I try to explain you would never agree that mine is the greater loss. Because you don't know what it's like to be an outcast, oh boy who lived and was loved so thoroughly.

You'll never realize that that one happiest moment I focus on, when I cast the spell I taught you, is the exhilaration of the night Sirius took me out on that flying motorcycle of his, that wonderfully gaudy and dangerous contraption. The thrill of the happiest night of my life as we flew across the sky to the glade where we had our first kiss, perched awkwardly on his metal beast, as he made fun of my childishly shy laughter as he kissed me over and over…one more step into the world of an outcast that I was completely, thoroughly willing to take. Everything for him, as he was willing to give everything for me—until you came along. Then everyone frantically set about protecting you. I'm fine with that, really, I don't need protecting anymore, I'm an adult…really…just granting myself the indulgence of a moment of childish hatred and jealously and frustration with and at you. I'm sure things will be fine after this. I'll look at your face and see Lily and James and preserve you to preserve their memory, and I'll care about you still, because you are a part of them and before this moment I was really always fond of you. I just can't believe you're reacting like this. You barely knew him, you have so many people so very much closer to you, but he is everything I have. Everything. And you are the one who gets to stand here grieving him, while I stand strong and let my heart slip behind the veil after him, chasing him for him to keep safe until I follow him.

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**So, my first Harry Potter fic...never thought I'd see that day. Tell me what you think! Also, if you want some more details of that memory Remus mentions, look into my fic "Moonlight and Motorcycles" which is much fluffier then this angsty little thing. I look forward to your reviews! **


End file.
